A Cubist/Tenebrist Heart?

I was going for a tenebrist feel for this drawing. The word comes from the Italian tenebroso which means dark, gloomy, and mysterious. A lot of times we think love has to be all warm and fuzzy…rainbows and puppies. But Nazareth, The Everly Brothers, and Roy Orbison were right…love hurts.

I was trying to show the surfaces of the gem as well as make the heart look cracked and broken.

And I end up with Cubism lol.

I’ve never been much of a Cubism fan and I sure didn’t expect it, but I like how it’s turning out.

Inktense Drawing Practice

Dripping Mushrooms
Space Cupcake
A Mushroom

I think I’m done with the dripping mushrooms but the other two still need some work.

I watched a 30 minute lecture video about Caravaggio that was very interesting. I forget how much I like his artwork until I take the time to look at his stuff again.

I decided that I’d like to do a small drawing using the tenebrism technique. Caravaggio is given credit for inventing this style where the background is black, which helps to illuminate the image and make it stand out.

St Jerome Writing, Caravaggio. Example of Tenebrism

I’m not sure what I want to draw though. Something simple that I can get done pretty quickly…and I want to use my Inktense pencils. So, if anyone has any suggestions on something I could draw, let me know in the comments.

Back to Art Again

I’ve decided to go ahead and end the GoFundMe for my grandma. It’s just not God’s will for us. I’m waiting to make sure the person who donated gets her refund and then I’ll delete it. Since I was using my blog to get the link out there, I’m going to quit doing that and let my blog go back to being about art again.

We’re trying to get set up with another hospice. So far, it seems like they’ve heard us about the severity of her handicap. The woman even finished my mom’s sentences which makes me think she was understanding our struggle and concerns for my grandma’s end of life needs.

They also have an office here in town. We knew nothing when this whole thing started and just went with the most popular option for our area. But now we are more familiar with how some of this works. And this hospice is smaller and family owned. I’m hoping they will be a better fit for us.

To anyone who has been praying, I want to thank you. And hopefully I can find more time and energy to devote to making artwork. That’s actually something me and my grandma share. Through her life she took photos. She took painting classes. She drew and wrote poems. As long as she’s not suffering, I’ll be able to relax.

She’s always supported me and my art so I know that it’ll make her happy to know that I’m able to focus on it.

I actually found a Yale art lecture series that I’d like to watch. I was able to watch half of the first lecture and it was so interesting. Maybe you’ll find it interesting too. It’s so important to study art because it can inspire us and make us better artists. It’s good for non artists too 😃

Hospice Kicked Us Out

Thank God hospice kicked us out. At least the doctor said she’d still provide pain medicine. Apparently, my grandma was accepted into hospice because of dementia. Last I checked, hospice accepts you when you have 6 months or less to live. Dementia is not necessarily terminal in under 6 months. It’s called the LONG GOODBYE. You can live with it for a long time.

And when they refer to her handicap . . . they use air quotes . . . They say, “What ‘handicap’?”

No, it’s not “handicap.” It exists. She was born with it. Had it for 83 years. Walks with a limp and uses canes. And for an 83 year old, if it is left untreated as it was when she was in the medical “CARE” it becomes terminal.

It breaks down her digestive system. It causes her such intense pain. And all we asked was that they reduce her suffering caused by her handicap. Not to let us run out of medicine. Which they did over and over again. It didn’t matter how much we called or asked.

The aid who changed her diaper saw the pain. She was heartbroken. The weekend aid who isn’t apart of hospice noticed. She was crying. She couldn’t let it go. So, I don’t understand hospice.

I’m flabbergasted.

Feb. 18 this woman who was walking and aware, only went to the hospital to evacuate freezing temperatures. And she was given a death sentence by this corrupt organization. They had their records wrong from the very beginning. She never fell. They thought her “handicap” was because she had fallen. And dementia became the ONLY thing they could see. They ignored the one and only reason she is now bed ridden. The reason we called hospice.

She barely even has dementia. She has all her long term memories. She wasn’t leaving her keys in the fridge. Or forgetting how to dress. Or anything like that. She couldn’t keep track of the days so well. She actually kept track better than she gave herself credit for.

Her panic disorder in addition to being in her 80’s would cause her to forget short term things. But how is that dementia? It looks more like mental decline due to aging and stress and confusion caused by her panic disorder. It’s not that hard to understand. Well, it is pretty complicated. She probably does have dementia.

But that shouldn’t mean her lifelong handicap just vanishes.

I struggle to stay quiet during injustice. Especially, when my family member is being harmed. And after being yelled at so many times by hospice nurses, I finally started yelling back and calling them out on their injustices. And I promised my mom when they showed up today, I’d stay quiet and work on my drawing. And I did. Until she came and asked my opinion. And then I went off on them. It’s injustice. It’s inhumane.

But, I did at least lay down another layer of Inktense on this mushroom piece.

It’s my life It’s now or never But I ain’t gonna live forever

People have always said that I don’t know what hard is. I’ve had a few hard things happen in my life, but y’know what . . . those people were right. I have always lived a very pampered lifestyle. And I don’t know what a hard life actually is. I have a sunny California, Full House, Brady Bunch existence.

Until now. Since 2009, I have taken on more responsibility with my grandma. Everything was always on my mom because there was nobody else there to help. Her brother didn’t help. He ran away because he just couldn’t handle it. He was a mechanic but he couldn’t even help her with her car. It’s broke down. And my mom was just drowning in it. She needed help. It’s too much for one person.

And her other grandchildren aren’t around.

Her grandson, who she always speaks so highly of, hasn’t called her. He hasn’t sent a card. He doesn’t help her with hard labor that men are supposed to do. He just doesn’t do the grandson things for her. She hasn’t seen or heard from him in so long she thinks he’s dead.

So, after 12 years of helping this woman to walk. To have positive thinking. To get her groceries. To clean her house. To do everything.

It’s ruined my life.

That’s why my artwork has suffered for the last decade. I try to work on my art, but I’m just trudging along. My Internet is here at my grandmas because it’s not available where I live. I decided to make it work though, so I can be here to help her and do my work. But her needs always came first. I’d sit down and get started working and BOOM. There she is yelling very sternly, “Morgana!! Do you have a minute?!”

That minute just becomes the whole visit and I run home stressed out of my mind. And then I’d just do it all over again.

I love to help people. Especially my own family because I believe family should stick together. Help each other and be there for each other. But now that she can’t even walk and her digestive system has shut down. And she’s so crazy. Everyday, it’s non stop crazy. And she’s killing me. My health is suffering. My well being is suffering.

I now understand what hard is.

I’m so exhausted. My poor dog threw up yesterday. My mom goes home to sleep every night, and I stay here with my grandma. And I like to have Sunny with me, but it’s just gotten too hard on her. I can’t do that to my dog anymore.

It’s just non stop abuse from her. She screams and yells around the clock. I don’t understand why my life isn’t important. Why is her 83 year old life as a bed ridden elderly person who has dementia, and who has a lifetime handicap that causes her 24/7 pain. Which Hospice outright REFUSES to acknowledge her handicap.

“WHAT HANDICAP?!” They yell.

We reply, “Uuh, the obvious one…”

Come on. She has one leg that’s shorter than the other. Her pelvis is twisted and tilted. How can you miss it?!?! The mean nurse even changed her diaper and my grandma was scared and in pain. But you know what they do? They ignore it. They yell at us. They get mad at the drop of a hat. They say they didn’t hear her say she’s in pain. You may not believe me. But it is happening. For months now, we have been abused by these people.

I cannot understand it. I can’t even get donations on her stupid GoFundMe.

None of my friends have shared it or even been that concerned for me. One friend offered to share on FB and I let him. That day I had a ton of views and a few emails. One email was my cousin yelling at me and accusing me of things. But did she offer to help? Did she share the link? Did she donate? Did she come visit her aunt and her grandma and offer love and support?

No, she didn’t. She just attacked me.

My grandma’s dear friend, who gives me so much anxiety said she’d share the link. And she knows a guy who raised money before. She didn’t share it though. Just days before the winter storm, she was demanding we give her grandma’s insurance card, credit card, and demanded my mom stay away while she takes her to the doctor.

WHAT?! I don’t know who she thinks she is, but her interference has caused me to have nightmares. But does she help? Did she use her resources to help her dear friend who she says she loves? No.

Another friend, known him since we were 12, said he’d share the link. So I sent it to him, but he hasn’t replied and I don’t see traffic on my blog or the GoFundMe. So, I guess he didn’t share it and I’m not gonna beg. He hasn’t been a true friend to me for at least 5 years anyway. So, I don’t expect him to be there for me.

I even sent the link to church people. I’ve known these people for a long time, and we only ever hung out during church events. So, where are they? Why haven’t they sent the link? Or donated a small amount? Or just called? Maybe they’re praying.

I just don’t matter. She matters more than two college educated women who have potential for greatness.

She matters more than my innocent dog who just wants to have the good life she’s accustomed to. My god daughter doesn’t understand why I NEVER come over. I tried to explain it, but she’s 8 and she knows that I will show up because I always do. And this time I’m not showing up. So, I guess she doesn’t matter either. She took it ok the first 4 times she asked. But the last time she called, her voice let me know she’s mad and hurt.

Right this minute my grandma is yelling, “Please kill me God. Please! Kill me God.” And she just lays there screaming and yelling. So, I have been able to draw a little bit. And I’ve been working on my photography some. I’m running out of steam though.

But, it’s just not important.

My life is officially over. I just take care of a crazy person who can’t walk. She can’t digest food properly. She’s in pain. She’s begs her only granddaughter to kill her. The stress is destroying me as each month goes by. Hospice wont show compassion and work with us. Her weekend aid had compassion. She was crying yesterday. She was off the clock and stood there crying and wondering why Hospice isn’t helping. If only Hospice would show the compassion that aid showed.

I read this article about this man who actually had help, guidance, and compassion from Hospice. Why can’t we have that?

That’s my life. Great. Now I can’t get this song out of my head. I don’t even like it that much lol.

There’s the art I did that doesn’t matter. The guy yelling like a Nazi is one of the nurses. He yelled at me. He’s the one who said, “What handicap?” Yeaaa, he is one of the people who is traumatizing me.

The cupcake and mushrooms aren’t done. I’ve just put a few layers of Inktense pencils.

And the top three pictures are of Sunny listening to my grandma yelling. The second picture is of Sunny’s throw up. And the third picture is my grandma’s leg. You see how theres no muscle? That’s the damage that was done by the nursing home who neglected her and put us in our current situation. At least I have lots of terrible stuff to document for some art series.

Photo Blog Coming Soon

I can’t believe It’s been over a month since my last blog post. I’ve been busy working on getting my photo blog ready to launch. I’m happy to say that I’m almost done creating my first collection of photos. I’m thinking it’ll be ready by the beginning of February.

I woke up singing The Long Run by the Eagles. I tell you, taking photos from 2001-2020 and compiling them to create my online gallery has definitely been a long run. I’ve got some great images though and I can’t wait to share them.

Aside from my photography, I’ve gotten very interested in drawing Chibis. In Japanese, the word Chibi means very short. I think they’re sooo cute and I have a lot of character ideas that are perfect for the cute Chibi style.

I bought this how-to-draw book by Mark Crilley. I watched his preview video and decided it’d be a good book to add to my home library. I’m just getting started so I’m not ready to show any of my drawings yet. I’m having a lot of fun drawing them so if you’re also interested in learning this cute style, then I highly recommend his book to get you started.

Finished Phoenix Wright Drawing

My boyfriend requested that I draw a picture of Phoenix Wright yelling, “Objection!” for him. At his college, he was scolded for taking one that wasn’t even that great, but apparently it belonged to the school or something like that… I heard him talk about it so much, I kinda quit listening…just kidding, I always listen to him….A bunch were drawn by the anime club last year and this one didn’t belong to anybody apparently, but he was playing that game a lot and really wanted the image. He returned the lame one he took and asked me because he’s sweet and thinks I’m a great artist.

It took me longer than I wanted because I made so many mistakes on the first one that I just had to start all over.

P1110398

It’s not THAT bad but it’s too big. It’s not a great shape. I used regular sketchbook paper. It was too flimsy so I decided to glue it to some mat board. I forgot to buy spray glue so I just used Elmers. I tried to be so careful through the whole thing, but with the glue, I just glued it all willy nilly. And you could see the globs of glue underneath.

After all those mistakes I had to redo it, which was good anyway since I really wasn’t that happy with it. For the next one I tried not to repeat those silly mistakes.

P1110384

Here’s the redo before I was completely finished. I was much happier with the size and shape. I think the composition is much better and more impactful. I also used watercolor paper and taped it to my drawing board. I used prismacolor pencils and odorless mineral spirits to blend the colors. And the colors blended so much better on the stronger paper.

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There it is on the right with the nice clean white border. I thought the border was way too white though, so I decided to paint it black. I thought it would pull everything together nicely. Well…I made another mistake. I really just wanted to get it done since he had been waiting so patiently. So, I decided to use black paint instead of taking forever laying down multiple layers of pencil.

big mistake

What was I thinking? Yes, I have a college degree. I was taught by a talented group of artists who taught us not to do dumb things like that. It looked horrible. I couldn’t give it to him like that. I didn’t even take a picture because I had to get that border off immediately. I carefully sliced the border off using a paper cutter and I actually liked it without any border at all.

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Thank God I was able to remove the border and not ruin another drawing for him. And he was really happy with how it turned out. Yelling and screaming and being the happy weirdo that he is!

What Else am I Working On?

Besides that I’m working on finishing this Cornhole game for a customer. It took over 9 hrs just to remove the Cowboys stickers and clean up the wood to get it ready to paint.

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Before

I used a steam cleaner while watching Netflix.

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After

That’s just a starting background that I sprayed on using some pretty blue spray paint. I’m not quite sure what I’m gonna do from here. One will have a shark and the other one will have an octopus. And I’ll probably add some coral and other cool underwater stuff like that.

I’m also working with a new artist with her artwork, critiquing her and helping her figure out what she wants to do with her art. I LOVE her art so much. She’s self taught, mostly by me and her own hard work and dedication. She has such a unique and creative vision and I can’t wait to see what she comes up with as she continues getting better and more confident.

I’m pretty busy with these projects as well as a lot of other things. So, I’m making writing blog posts less of a priority. I hope to start posting more often very soon, but I just wanted to let you all know why I’m not posting as much.

How to be a Fearless Artist

I love the feeling I get when I’m ready to make some art. I gather all my colorful supplies and make sure I’ve got plenty of light. Then, I look down at my clean, stark white canvas and suddenly I go blank. Blanker than the empty canvas. Fear suddenly enters into my heart. Like a lil’ wimp, I let that fear take me away from the art to go snack, rake the leaves, or (seriously?) clean the toilet.

the-scream

The Scream, Edvard Munch

Creative Courage

 

Writers do it too. Staring at the blinking cursor against the bright white background of the empty document, has the power to traumatize more effectively than a terrorist in war. Before you know it you’ll be laying in a fetal position hugging your stuffed animal and wondering how you ever thought you could be an artist.

lucas scott i suck

Lucas Scott, from One Tree Hill, experiencing writer’s block and typing, “I Suck.”

How to Develop Artistic Bravery

Artists like Bob Ross make it look easy. He fearlessly slops some paint down and creates a beautiful work of art. Below are some helpful tips to overcome fear:

1. Sketch -Before you start the finished piece, grab some cheap scratch paper, do some sketches and work out your ideas. It’d be awesome to create the masterpiece on your first try but that’s also a lot of pressure, and not always realistic. (It’s not impossible though.)

Constantly sketching and drawing will help you improve, which will build your confidence and you’ll be saying, “Goodbye Fear.”

2. It’s NOT permanent – Some art supplies can’t be erased like graphite pencil. So it feels like your marks will be permanent and if you make a mistake, what do you do? First, relax. Start out with a lighter touch and build gradually. Oil takes forever to dry so if you make a mark you’re not happy with just wipe the paint away and cover it up with more paint. Remember that many art mediums are forgiving and workable.

Or, like Bob Ross, you might get a “happy accident.”

3. Act Brave – Being an artist requires bravery because you’re doing something that cost you. Your art comes from inside of you. And what if people don’t like it? What if they put it down? Just be brave. And if you don’t feel brave, then PRETEND.

Do the opinions of other people strike terror in your heart? If so, be inspired by the war hero. Look fear in the eye, be strong and stand up for your artwork. Allow the reactions from people to be constructive criticism to help you improve.

vincent_van_gogh_-_sp ear

Hide the Knives! Van Gogh Self Portrait with bandaged ear

The Tortured Artist

Artists are sensitive and have to develop a thick skin. It may seem like I’m being a drama queen but I think fear is a common problem for everyone . . . not just the creative souls. Remember . . . feeling these raw emotions is a big part of art. And for me, overcoming fear makes me feel like a BOSS, and gives me the power to overcome whatever obstacles I might face.

bob-ross

Bob Ross!

Being Your Own “Worst” Critic

Do you like your art? Are you conveying your message? Are you giving it your all? Maybe bravery in art, is really in facing yourself.