The Point of my Current Blog Focus

Living in a Surreality

Dorothea Tanning, Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, 1943 – I chose this surreal painting because it’s about confrontation.

Since the Winter Storm on Feb. 15, my life has been completely taken over by crisis after crisis. We lost power and running water for over a month. I didn’t complain. I was just happy that we had somewhere safe and close to go.

Then Feb. 18, my grandma had to evacuate when she lost her power. When our power finally came on, we saw that we had extensive pipe damage. And we couldn’t even get an appointment for 3 weeks.

Same thing at my grandma’s. The nursing home was determined to get rid of her, even though her insurance covered 90 days, which she did not get. We tried to appeal it since she still didn’t have water and we had to wait for the plumbers to be available.

We lost the appeal

The day she was going to be returned to us, the social worker at the rehab center yelled at us for not getting the plumbing done. She ended up calling the company and that morning we got it fixed.

Now, my life has completely stopped to take care of my grandma. When she came home she was so bad off that I thought she’d be dead in a week. We said our goodbyes and we helped her come to terms with what was happening. By the time our 5 day respite care arrived, we figured she’d die in their care. Especially, since they were very insistent on using black box labeled drugs.

But she’s still not dead. It’s just dragging on. And we can’t help but give life. We have life giving energy. So, she’s just trapped in a mind and a body that don’t work. And I can’t keep putting my life on hold. But I’m exhausted and I can’t find the concentration to work on art or anything productive like that.

Caregiving

I’m not actually a caregiver. I’m her granddaughter. But I have been forced into a situation where I am an untrained and unpaid Hospice worker. And it’s important for caregivers to take care of themselves. At first, I didn’t. I neglected myself, especially since she required so much care at first. Things have settled down a bit and she’s aware that we need to live our lives too. And she tries to let us.

That’s why I’m focusing on the GoFundMe Fundraiser. And I thought that maybe I could use my blog to help with that and possibly provide something productive. So, that’s what I’m gonna try to do.

Trusting God Even During a Nightmare

Ok, as I sit here writing this I’m thinking that I’m just a big ‘ole baby. I want to come up with some well written and moving prose about how my situation is an unbearable nightmare and I can’t believe that God would ever treat my family this way. 

But how selfish can I be? I’m not homeless. I’m not hungry. I do live without some things that I need but for the most part I live in abundance. 

I’m so sorry that I panicked and just jumped online to beg for help. I’ve seen so many people raise money for a never ending amount of needs around the world, so I thought that’s how God wanted to provide for us. And I’m not one to ask for help. I hate asking for help. But I saw my grandma suffering and I just lost my mind and resorted to exploitation.  

I’ve been so proud of my grandma through all of this though. I’m usually so hard on her looking like some mean bully expecting her to do things for herself instead of coddling her. But this is why. At least she was still walking and she could use the bathroom on her own. She could prepare her own food and do the things she wanted to do. But thanks to the harm done while in the care of the medical community, she is now trapped. 

But again, I’m proud of my grandma. Through this whole experience she has continued to have faith in God. She keeps saying that we need to trust God…that God is in charge…that he’s our boss. And she’s right. Even when I complain and tell my boyfriend that God hates us, I know that’s not true. I know God loves us and He’s taking care of us even during such a dark time. 

I think it’s even more important to trust God during the hard times.

When I’m not bad mouthing Him, I’m saying the same things. I trust God and I’ll just accept His will no matter how bad it is. He’s the same God who allows free American’s to be executed in the streets for petty crimes (or no crime at all) by our police. He’s the same God who allows people to get sick from diseases and covid everyday. The same God who allows people to be so desperate to escape their situation that they will cross the border in dangerous ways to find any kind of refuge they can. 

That’s what life is like on our planet ever since Adam and Eve disobeyed God and we’ve had to suffer and toil. 

This whole situation is especially hard to deal with since I live in the moment. And these moments I’m living right now are some of the worst moments of my life. But I feel so happy and blessed to be able to show my grandma love during this time. She knows she has family she can trust who love her. And love never fails. It always perseveres.

If anyone reading this is also going through a nightmare, I hope that my experience can provide some kind of encouragement to help you get through it a little easier.