So, This is Common?

That’s what the Hospice workers keep telling us. 

My grandma does ok at times. But every morning she wakes up in such extreme pain that she begs me to cut off her legs. She cries out to God asking why He won’t let her die. She lashes out at me. She refuses the medicine, sometimes throwing it at me. She calls me names. 

It’s ok, I can handle her. I’m not taking it personally because I know she’s in pain and being affected by the medicine that we fought so hard against. 

But really? This is common?! Why aren’t we outraged? Why aren’t we doing something about it?

How can we as Americans, and as humans, just stand by and allow this type of thing to be common? I’m not a powerful person. I have no influence in this world. I don’t do social media. I can’t even raise a small amount of money to get my grandma back into the same facilities that broke her in the first place.

Do I even want her in their “care” again? I don’t really know. Maybe they should be expected to finish the damage that they started.

We have to fight so hard to get her proper care for the symptoms she has, that the medical people ignore, and to get them to listen that DRUGS AREN’T ALWAYS THE ANSWER! 

They are often the problem.

I grew up at the time when the D.A.R.E. program came to our school to teach us to resist drugs. I know they meant street drugs. But doctor given drugs are just as dangerous and often times, that’s where a person’s drug problem starts.

Or restarts after a person has found sobriety. I read in Scar Tissue, that Anthony Kiedis was clean and then a dentist visit allowed him to slip.

I’m so sorry. I feel very passionate about staying off drugs or at least being very careful when they might be necessary. I struggle to stay quiet in the face of social injustice. This type of thing should not be common. Especially when dealing with medical care. They take an oath to do no harm.

How many of you have been harmed by the medical community?

Not My Grandma Anymore

A Crazy and Wild Roller Coaster

One of the hardest things about this situation is that she just isn’t my grandma anymore. With the dementia symptoms increasing and the different drugs they’ve put her on, she has gotten worse and become different.

They stopped the treatment she had before all this started, so those symptoms are just not being dealt with.  

The doctors and nurses are convinced that her dementia is so bad and all they can offer are drugs. Every time we call about symptom management their response is, “Have you given her the drugs?”

She reacts so badly to some of them that we have angered everyone by fighting against using them. But our persistence finally got through, and they were able to prescribe something that she responds ok to. At least for a short time. Drugs never last long once tolerance builds up. 

And I’m scared that the usage of drugs has just compounded problems. She has more lucid moments than they want to believe. They think we don’t know what we’re talking about. But we know her.

But, that’s all they can offer.

We’re looking into discontinuing them and trying to go back to her previous treatment. We haven’t even been allowed to speak to her doctor about finding the appropriate treatment. What if they’re wrong? It could be dementia…or drugs…or a third factor…or the treatment she needs that they refuse to give her…or maybe a combo platter…

Nursing Home Neglect and Abuse

And aside from that, her handicap just makes me cry. I saw her emaciated body today when the aid was cleaning her. This was the first time I saw her whole body and she looks like a starving Ethiopian, minus the bloated belly. She’s so bony. And she has no muscle tone in her legs or arms. She’s not starving though. It’s just the result of being left in a bed for too long. That’s what happens when the elderly don’t receive the proper care they need.

We were speaking to my grandma’s neighbor yesterday and found out that his wife’s mother was abused at the exact same nursing home my grandma was at. So, it’s not just us who had a bad experience with them.

I wish there was something that could be done before they harm more people.

Getting Better in Hospice

I’ve been told that people can improve in Hospice. I got confused one night because she actually stood for 3 seconds. And I got scared and wondered if we weren’t listening to God.

Can she get better?

Should we be trying to exercise her?

I figured there was no hope since she was in a Rehabilitation center for weeks where they weren’t able to exercise her. And that’s where she was when Hospice accepted her. 

So, I wasn’t expecting it. There was one night when she tried for a whole hour to stand. She thought she was just too afraid so she persisted. And for the whole hour she didn’t give up. Until she finally got so tired she was forced to quit trying. I had prayed over her earlier that day because I kept feeling confused about the situation. And I guess she heard my prayer and tried to stand up in faith. 

But no. After I saw her body today, I am convinced that she will never walk again. She’s too old and too tired. Nine years ago she had to go through some rehab physical therapy. With the physical therapist and her daughter on her daily, she recovered and regained her strength in about three months. It was almost impossible for her then, but she did it.

Now, there’s just no way she can do it.  

Waiting for God’s Timing

I don’t know how much longer God is going to make her wait before He let’s her rest in peace. He’s taken so much from her. Her ability to walk. Her mind. Her protection from drugs. Her enjoyment of truly living. Most of her family.

She still has life in her. I’ve always said that she’s got a lot of Qi…more than people in their 30’s. And she’s still got that Qi, because I don’t think it’s actually her time to go. But everything has been taken from her. All that’s left at this point is the breath of life. 

And she’s ready to go rest with Jesus and her husband. It breaks my heart every time she cries out to God, asking why he won’t just take her. If you’re reading this, I ask that you keep my grandmother in your prayers. Whatever God’s will is for her. I don’t even know if God wants her in a facility, but just in case, here’s her GoFundMe.

Trusting God Even During a Nightmare

Ok, as I sit here writing this I’m thinking that I’m just a big ‘ole baby. I want to come up with some well written and moving prose about how my situation is an unbearable nightmare and I can’t believe that God would ever treat my family this way. 

But how selfish can I be? I’m not homeless. I’m not hungry. I do live without some things that I need but for the most part I live in abundance. 

I’m so sorry that I panicked and just jumped online to beg for help. I’ve seen so many people raise money for a never ending amount of needs around the world, so I thought that’s how God wanted to provide for us. And I’m not one to ask for help. I hate asking for help. But I saw my grandma suffering and I just lost my mind and resorted to exploitation.  

I’ve been so proud of my grandma through all of this though. I’m usually so hard on her looking like some mean bully expecting her to do things for herself instead of coddling her. But this is why. At least she was still walking and she could use the bathroom on her own. She could prepare her own food and do the things she wanted to do. But thanks to the harm done while in the care of the medical community, she is now trapped. 

But again, I’m proud of my grandma. Through this whole experience she has continued to have faith in God. She keeps saying that we need to trust God…that God is in charge…that he’s our boss. And she’s right. Even when I complain and tell my boyfriend that God hates us, I know that’s not true. I know God loves us and He’s taking care of us even during such a dark time. 

I think it’s even more important to trust God during the hard times.

When I’m not bad mouthing Him, I’m saying the same things. I trust God and I’ll just accept His will no matter how bad it is. He’s the same God who allows free American’s to be executed in the streets for petty crimes (or no crime at all) by our police. He’s the same God who allows people to get sick from diseases and covid everyday. The same God who allows people to be so desperate to escape their situation that they will cross the border in dangerous ways to find any kind of refuge they can. 

That’s what life is like on our planet ever since Adam and Eve disobeyed God and we’ve had to suffer and toil. 

This whole situation is especially hard to deal with since I live in the moment. And these moments I’m living right now are some of the worst moments of my life. But I feel so happy and blessed to be able to show my grandma love during this time. She knows she has family she can trust who love her. And love never fails. It always perseveres.

If anyone reading this is also going through a nightmare, I hope that my experience can provide some kind of encouragement to help you get through it a little easier.