Back to Art Again

I’ve decided to go ahead and end the GoFundMe for my grandma. It’s just not God’s will for us. I’m waiting to make sure the person who donated gets her refund and then I’ll delete it. Since I was using my blog to get the link out there, I’m going to quit doing that and let my blog go back to being about art again.

We’re trying to get set up with another hospice. So far, it seems like they’ve heard us about the severity of her handicap. The woman even finished my mom’s sentences which makes me think she was understanding our struggle and concerns for my grandma’s end of life needs.

They also have an office here in town. We knew nothing when this whole thing started and just went with the most popular option for our area. But now we are more familiar with how some of this works. And this hospice is smaller and family owned. I’m hoping they will be a better fit for us.

To anyone who has been praying, I want to thank you. And hopefully I can find more time and energy to devote to making artwork. That’s actually something me and my grandma share. Through her life she took photos. She took painting classes. She drew and wrote poems. As long as she’s not suffering, I’ll be able to relax.

She’s always supported me and my art so I know that it’ll make her happy to know that I’m able to focus on it.

I actually found a Yale art lecture series that I’d like to watch. I was able to watch half of the first lecture and it was so interesting. Maybe you’ll find it interesting too. It’s so important to study art because it can inspire us and make us better artists. It’s good for non artists too 😃

Hospice Kicked Us Out

Thank God hospice kicked us out. At least the doctor said she’d still provide pain medicine. Apparently, my grandma was accepted into hospice because of dementia. Last I checked, hospice accepts you when you have 6 months or less to live. Dementia is not necessarily terminal in under 6 months. It’s called the LONG GOODBYE. You can live with it for a long time.

And when they refer to her handicap . . . they use air quotes . . . They say, “What ‘handicap’?”

No, it’s not “handicap.” It exists. She was born with it. Had it for 83 years. Walks with a limp and uses canes. And for an 83 year old, if it is left untreated as it was when she was in the medical “CARE” it becomes terminal.

It breaks down her digestive system. It causes her such intense pain. And all we asked was that they reduce her suffering caused by her handicap. Not to let us run out of medicine. Which they did over and over again. It didn’t matter how much we called or asked.

The aid who changed her diaper saw the pain. She was heartbroken. The weekend aid who isn’t apart of hospice noticed. She was crying. She couldn’t let it go. So, I don’t understand hospice.

I’m flabbergasted.

Feb. 18 this woman who was walking and aware, only went to the hospital to evacuate freezing temperatures. And she was given a death sentence by this corrupt organization. They had their records wrong from the very beginning. She never fell. They thought her “handicap” was because she had fallen. And dementia became the ONLY thing they could see. They ignored the one and only reason she is now bed ridden. The reason we called hospice.

She barely even has dementia. She has all her long term memories. She wasn’t leaving her keys in the fridge. Or forgetting how to dress. Or anything like that. She couldn’t keep track of the days so well. She actually kept track better than she gave herself credit for.

Her panic disorder in addition to being in her 80’s would cause her to forget short term things. But how is that dementia? It looks more like mental decline due to aging and stress and confusion caused by her panic disorder. It’s not that hard to understand. Well, it is pretty complicated. She probably does have dementia.

But that shouldn’t mean her lifelong handicap just vanishes.

I struggle to stay quiet during injustice. Especially, when my family member is being harmed. And after being yelled at so many times by hospice nurses, I finally started yelling back and calling them out on their injustices. And I promised my mom when they showed up today, I’d stay quiet and work on my drawing. And I did. Until she came and asked my opinion. And then I went off on them. It’s injustice. It’s inhumane.

But, I did at least lay down another layer of Inktense on this mushroom piece.

It’s my life It’s now or never But I ain’t gonna live forever

People have always said that I don’t know what hard is. I’ve had a few hard things happen in my life, but y’know what . . . those people were right. I have always lived a very pampered lifestyle. And I don’t know what a hard life actually is. I have a sunny California, Full House, Brady Bunch existence.

Until now. Since 2009, I have taken on more responsibility with my grandma. Everything was always on my mom because there was nobody else there to help. Her brother didn’t help. He ran away because he just couldn’t handle it. He was a mechanic but he couldn’t even help her with her car. It’s broke down. And my mom was just drowning in it. She needed help. It’s too much for one person.

And her other grandchildren aren’t around.

Her grandson, who she always speaks so highly of, hasn’t called her. He hasn’t sent a card. He doesn’t help her with hard labor that men are supposed to do. He just doesn’t do the grandson things for her. She hasn’t seen or heard from him in so long she thinks he’s dead.

So, after 12 years of helping this woman to walk. To have positive thinking. To get her groceries. To clean her house. To do everything.

It’s ruined my life.

That’s why my artwork has suffered for the last decade. I try to work on my art, but I’m just trudging along. My Internet is here at my grandmas because it’s not available where I live. I decided to make it work though, so I can be here to help her and do my work. But her needs always came first. I’d sit down and get started working and BOOM. There she is yelling very sternly, “Morgana!! Do you have a minute?!”

That minute just becomes the whole visit and I run home stressed out of my mind. And then I’d just do it all over again.

I love to help people. Especially my own family because I believe family should stick together. Help each other and be there for each other. But now that she can’t even walk and her digestive system has shut down. And she’s so crazy. Everyday, it’s non stop crazy. And she’s killing me. My health is suffering. My well being is suffering.

I now understand what hard is.

I’m so exhausted. My poor dog threw up yesterday. My mom goes home to sleep every night, and I stay here with my grandma. And I like to have Sunny with me, but it’s just gotten too hard on her. I can’t do that to my dog anymore.

It’s just non stop abuse from her. She screams and yells around the clock. I don’t understand why my life isn’t important. Why is her 83 year old life as a bed ridden elderly person who has dementia, and who has a lifetime handicap that causes her 24/7 pain. Which Hospice outright REFUSES to acknowledge her handicap.

“WHAT HANDICAP?!” They yell.

We reply, “Uuh, the obvious one…”

Come on. She has one leg that’s shorter than the other. Her pelvis is twisted and tilted. How can you miss it?!?! The mean nurse even changed her diaper and my grandma was scared and in pain. But you know what they do? They ignore it. They yell at us. They get mad at the drop of a hat. They say they didn’t hear her say she’s in pain. You may not believe me. But it is happening. For months now, we have been abused by these people.

I cannot understand it. I can’t even get donations on her stupid GoFundMe.

None of my friends have shared it or even been that concerned for me. One friend offered to share on FB and I let him. That day I had a ton of views and a few emails. One email was my cousin yelling at me and accusing me of things. But did she offer to help? Did she share the link? Did she donate? Did she come visit her aunt and her grandma and offer love and support?

No, she didn’t. She just attacked me.

My grandma’s dear friend, who gives me so much anxiety said she’d share the link. And she knows a guy who raised money before. She didn’t share it though. Just days before the winter storm, she was demanding we give her grandma’s insurance card, credit card, and demanded my mom stay away while she takes her to the doctor.

WHAT?! I don’t know who she thinks she is, but her interference has caused me to have nightmares. But does she help? Did she use her resources to help her dear friend who she says she loves? No.

Another friend, known him since we were 12, said he’d share the link. So I sent it to him, but he hasn’t replied and I don’t see traffic on my blog or the GoFundMe. So, I guess he didn’t share it and I’m not gonna beg. He hasn’t been a true friend to me for at least 5 years anyway. So, I don’t expect him to be there for me.

I even sent the link to church people. I’ve known these people for a long time, and we only ever hung out during church events. So, where are they? Why haven’t they sent the link? Or donated a small amount? Or just called? Maybe they’re praying.

I just don’t matter. She matters more than two college educated women who have potential for greatness.

She matters more than my innocent dog who just wants to have the good life she’s accustomed to. My god daughter doesn’t understand why I NEVER come over. I tried to explain it, but she’s 8 and she knows that I will show up because I always do. And this time I’m not showing up. So, I guess she doesn’t matter either. She took it ok the first 4 times she asked. But the last time she called, her voice let me know she’s mad and hurt.

Right this minute my grandma is yelling, “Please kill me God. Please! Kill me God.” And she just lays there screaming and yelling. So, I have been able to draw a little bit. And I’ve been working on my photography some. I’m running out of steam though.

But, it’s just not important.

My life is officially over. I just take care of a crazy person who can’t walk. She can’t digest food properly. She’s in pain. She’s begs her only granddaughter to kill her. The stress is destroying me as each month goes by. Hospice wont show compassion and work with us. Her weekend aid had compassion. She was crying yesterday. She was off the clock and stood there crying and wondering why Hospice isn’t helping. If only Hospice would show the compassion that aid showed.

I read this article about this man who actually had help, guidance, and compassion from Hospice. Why can’t we have that?

That’s my life. Great. Now I can’t get this song out of my head. I don’t even like it that much lol.

There’s the art I did that doesn’t matter. The guy yelling like a Nazi is one of the nurses. He yelled at me. He’s the one who said, “What handicap?” Yeaaa, he is one of the people who is traumatizing me.

The cupcake and mushrooms aren’t done. I’ve just put a few layers of Inktense pencils.

And the top three pictures are of Sunny listening to my grandma yelling. The second picture is of Sunny’s throw up. And the third picture is my grandma’s leg. You see how theres no muscle? That’s the damage that was done by the nursing home who neglected her and put us in our current situation. At least I have lots of terrible stuff to document for some art series.

Hospice Makes You Suffer

The entire time we’ve been dealing with Hospice, they have been very insistent on using drugs on my grandmother that she responds badly to. They make her suffer and they don’t actually address the symptoms that she does have.

The Suffering She Experiences on Those Drugs

  • Increased Anxiety
  • Increased Confusion
  • Increased Aggression
  • Obsessiveness
  • Heaviness

That’s only a few but it’s more than enough. She always responds this way and these bad reactions are always ignored and dismissed. My grandma hates the drugs and demands to get rid of them. She even throws them. She refuses them because they make her feel worse.

Incompetency and Negligence

That’s what you get with Hospice. Every time, with zero exceptions, the nurse’s records have been wrong. There was a computer error apparently….every single time. Regardless of the multiple excuses they’ve used, they’re just not able to get my grandmother’s information right. They always have the wrong drugs listed and the drugs she does need are not listed.

Which is very unprofessional and dangerous.

Am I confused? Isn’t it kind of important to be careful when using drugs and dealing with a human being?

Needless to say, I got so upset. I can’t take the incompetency anymore. I feel like I’m in war and I’m getting battle fatigue. We tried to clarify the records with the nurse and she got so upset with our conversation she was ready to run away. She asked me, “Will you let me go fix this?”

I responded, “Let you? I expect you to. This is your job. You’re getting paid. Yes, please get the records right. And please manage her symptoms so that we can reduce her suffering.”

She looked at me dumbfounded.

Symptoms We Need Managed

  • Excruciating pain caused by her handicap that increases daily.
  • No sleep. She doesn’t sleep. So, some kind of sleeping aid.

When she told us the doctor she was going to speak to my heart sank. Because this doctor LOVES anti-psychotics. She’s having multiple affairs with these drugs. It’s her go-to drug for every single ailment. I predicted that she would prescribe an anti-psychotic. And what did she do?

She prescribed an anti-psychotic!! FOR SLEEP! I’m not an expert on drugs but I’ve heard Insomnia by The Dirty Heads and there’s tons of options that aren’t anti-psychotics!

What Else Did the Good Doctor Do?

She reduced her pain medicine from every 4 hours to twice a day. And said to supplement with morphine.

So, for the past 3 days her pain as increased to the point where she can’t move.

  • She cries.
  • She whimpers.
  • She can’t sit up.
  • She can’t even speak.

I can’t help but feel we’re being punished. Or I just sound paranoid.

We called today to report it and the nurse told us to wait about an hour for the morphine to kick in.

Uuuhhhhhh….don’t you know how morphine works?!? A tolerance builds up and it becomes less effective over time and something needs to be changed.

They refuse though.

I don’t know what to do. I really thought that Hospice was supposed to help reduce suffering in a person’s dying days. I was wrong. We have told them she’s suffering so they reduced her pain meds. I just don’t get it.

This poor woman is being neglected by the same corrupt medical system who neglected her and made her bed ridden in the first place. I guess 83 year olds have rationed care no matter what, even in death.

It’s Just So Heartbreaking

And it’s infuriating. Our world is corrupt. I know it. You know it. The leader’s know it. Everyone knows it. I still haven’t gotten anymore donations on her Go Fund Me page. And I understand. You really have no reason to donate. You don’t know me or my grandma. I’m sure you have your own problems. You probably have your own family members who are dealing with some kind of corruption or mistreatment in our society.

And maybe donations just aren’t the way God wants to provide for us.

I think if she could be in a facility, they could go ahead and use their dangerous and inhumane treatment and get it done a lot faster. I personally can not knowingly put my grandma through that kind of treatment. But they can. And they are trained to do it.

Ultimately, I just need her pain and suffering to stop. I pray that God let’s her rest in peace and welcomes her with open arms. And I’m going to continue trying with the Go Fund Me.

The Power of Giving

Altruism is very powerful. It changes the world. And humans naturally feel good when they’ve done a good deed. I’m not Mrs. Popularity and I don’t have social media. I don’t know anyone. So, I am depending on the kindness of strangers to donate a small amount.

I am also depending on other Christians. We’re all apart of the body of Christ and it’s our duty to help each other in times of need.

I do.

I donate money and my time whenever I can. So, there’s gotta be some karma coming back to me. Thousands of small amounts can add up to the amount we need to get her the treatment she needs in her dying days.

Thanks for reading.

Please Share Donate & Pray

And if you don’t wanna donate to this cause then please find somewhere else that you can spread a little humanity to. Stand up to the corruption, the injustice, and just plain wrong treatment of human beings. I know we’re not the only one’s going through this in our sinking ship of a society.

The Cycle of Life

Do you ever think about the cycle of life? 

I do. There are 12 Developmental Stages in the human life cycle. I’m in Stage 8, early adulthood. While my grandma is in Stage 12 death and dying. 

Those in our lives who are dying, or who have died, teach us about the value of living.  They remind us not to take our lives for granted, but to live each moment of life to its fullest, and to remember that our own small lives form of a part of a greater whole.  – Dr. Armstrong

That’s one reason why I’m so interested in the banal and just living a simple life. Because living in the moment is one of the best ways to fully experience the whole cycle of life. And we don’t have to wait ’till we’re dying to figure that out. 

Genesis 1-3 is so interesting to me, but I feel like there’s so much more to the story. So, I read it again and again hoping to get some more understanding about our creation. 

Tempted by Peer Pressure

That day in the garden when Eve was deceived by the crafty serpent and led herself and her man astray, that’s the day we were cut off from the tree of life. We had access to it and every other tree in the garden…except for that one tree…the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. And Adam wasn’t man enough to get control over his woman when she didn’t stand up to that serpent. 

Was she even listening to God when he told her how to handle the trees? When the serpent asked her “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?” She just carried on a conversation with the deceptive dude and he was much more clever. 

Instead of clarifying what God really said, she said something about not eating or even touching the tree in the middle or you’ll die. That answer right there opened the door for the serpent to beguile her. Why didn’t she just say, “Well, let’s just go ask God what He said.”?

Matthew 4 shows a good example of how to respond when being asked about what God really said.

Shame and Fear

Then when God asked them about it, they hid from Him, they lied, they made excuses, and they played the blame game. 

We were not ready for the responsibility of that kind of wisdom gained from knowledge of good and evil. Maybe one day we would have been but not yet. And now we’re stuck in a constant battle of good vs evil. In everyday life, in movies and in books. In everything.

Gustave Doré  Adam and Eve Driven out of Eden
engraving 1865

There’s some crazy stuff in the Bible, like some of the creatures God created. He cut us off from accessing the tree of life by placing cherubim and a flaming sword flashing back and forth. I’m assuming we’ll get access again one day, I dunno.

And I guess that’s why we have this fleeting cycle of life. We go through the aging process and die and return to the ground from where we came. And while we go through the aging process, I guess our society decided to make some bank.

Like Eve, I’m also drawn to wisdom. I think it looks pleasing too.

Wisdom

My grandma was telling me about how she’s had a hard life but she loved it. She said if you can learn, then you can do anything. As a child, the doctors told her she’d never walk. That she would need surgery. And as a young adult they said she’d be in a wheelchair by the time she was 40. Well, she’s 83 and never had surgery and never used a wheelchair. 

Doctors don’t know shit. They apparently have a very low opinion of what humans can accomplish.

She was also talking about her husband and how he’s the only man she ever wanted. They met on a blind date and he didn’t want some floozy. He wanted a good girl who was feisty and could handle a wild guy like him. And that’s what he got. They had one of those story book romance loves. They definitely had struggles, but it was true love. 

And she told me she wouldn’t change one thing.

I think that’s beautiful and we should all try to live our lives with this attitude. So, maybe we are stuck living in a fleeting life but there’s so much living to do in that natural cycle of life. Even in my grandma’s dying days, her state of mind is to live each day she’s alive. 

She is my Grandma Again

We spent a little more than a month raging against the machine until we were finally heard and they took her off the bad medicine that the FDA says not to give elderly people with dementia. And they put her back on the treatment she had before she went to the hospital.

First Good Day April 16

Last night was the first good night where she got a few hours of sleep. She’s an insomniac and hasn’t slept during this entire debacle. And this morning was the first truly good morning. She was in pain and felt some anxiety but she got control of it fast and worked with me. The confusion has decreased so much and her symptoms are being managed better.

She’s having her first good day where she can manage her anxiety with the right medicine that has worked for decades. And she’s using her behavior techniques that always work for her and should always be accompanied with medicine.

Trial and Error

That’s what the nurses say when we don’t want to use dangerous drugs. “It’s trail and error…blah blah blah.” They’ve been attempting their trial and error drug experiments for a long time but my mom protects her by accompanying her to her doctor appointments.

One doctor told my mom she was being “Nit-picky” when she gave reasons for not accepting these drugs.

Nit-Picky Concerns:

  • What if she falls?
  • What if she responds badly to them because she always has when tried in the past?
  • What about the Black Box Label that says not to give to elderly dementia patients?

I don’t know why they wanted her to be treated for dementia sooooo badly and prescribe such dangerous treatment. Are they trying to increase mortality rates? Or are they that stupid and dependent on using drugs?

One Hospice worker said we should just mix the medicine into her food because my grandma was rejecting the bad drugs that didn’t work and made her feel bad.

Are you freaking kidding me?

She trusts us and we have to show her respect. There’s no way we were going to do that. My grandmother does show signs of very early dementia but most of her behavior is based on her Panic disorder, which just get’s ignored by these people.

And she’s so aware that even while being drugged by them, she knew which pill was her pain medicine. 

She Needs a Nurse Aid 

I don’t want her going back to a facility where they mistreat human beings.

A better choice would be to pay for more at-home care so that she can have a trained professional change her diaper and keep her clean. They can be here to help her with medical needs 24/7 and we can be here as her family to protect her. We can also have an easier time leaving and running errands and taking care of our daily demands. And she can stay in her home where’s she been for 30 years.

But she needs a Nurse Aid who is trained to deal with her incontinence care and physical handicap. It’s also less expensive than a facility.

So, I am going to continue her GoFundMe to pay for that in specific. That’s all we need. We don’t know exactly how long we’ll need it. Could be up to 6 months. Even if we only have 12 hour care during the night, that does add up and is going to be too expensive for my grandma or us to afford. 

Brutal Honesty

You might be wondering why we can’t just pay for it. Over the past two decades we’ve been hit hard by the economy. Our family home needs repairs we can’t afford. We have two classic cars and a truck that we can’t afford to repair. And a variety of other things that just keep building up. And my identity was stolen and that hurt me pretty bad. We pay the bills and we buy the groceries but we can’t afford the medical care for my grandma. And we’re not going into debt to pay for it.

Muchos Gracias

I want to thank everyone who has been praying. We’ve had neighbor’s stop by and other people telling us how they’re praying. I know that God and all the prayers are what’s getting us through this. 

So, This is Common?

That’s what the Hospice workers keep telling us. 

My grandma does ok at times. But every morning she wakes up in such extreme pain that she begs me to cut off her legs. She cries out to God asking why He won’t let her die. She lashes out at me. She refuses the medicine, sometimes throwing it at me. She calls me names. 

It’s ok, I can handle her. I’m not taking it personally because I know she’s in pain and being affected by the medicine that we fought so hard against. 

But really? This is common?! Why aren’t we outraged? Why aren’t we doing something about it?

How can we as Americans, and as humans, just stand by and allow this type of thing to be common? I’m not a powerful person. I have no influence in this world. I don’t do social media. I can’t even raise a small amount of money to get my grandma back into the same facilities that broke her in the first place.

Do I even want her in their “care” again? I don’t really know. Maybe they should be expected to finish the damage that they started.

We have to fight so hard to get her proper care for the symptoms she has, that the medical people ignore, and to get them to listen that DRUGS AREN’T ALWAYS THE ANSWER! 

They are often the problem.

I grew up at the time when the D.A.R.E. program came to our school to teach us to resist drugs. I know they meant street drugs. But doctor given drugs are just as dangerous and often times, that’s where a person’s drug problem starts.

Or restarts after a person has found sobriety. I read in Scar Tissue, that Anthony Kiedis was clean and then a dentist visit allowed him to slip.

I’m so sorry. I feel very passionate about staying off drugs or at least being very careful when they might be necessary. I struggle to stay quiet in the face of social injustice. This type of thing should not be common. Especially when dealing with medical care. They take an oath to do no harm.

How many of you have been harmed by the medical community?

Not My Grandma Anymore

A Crazy and Wild Roller Coaster

One of the hardest things about this situation is that she just isn’t my grandma anymore. With the dementia symptoms increasing and the different drugs they’ve put her on, she has gotten worse and become different.

They stopped the treatment she had before all this started, so those symptoms are just not being dealt with.  

The doctors and nurses are convinced that her dementia is so bad and all they can offer are drugs. Every time we call about symptom management their response is, “Have you given her the drugs?”

She reacts so badly to some of them that we have angered everyone by fighting against using them. But our persistence finally got through, and they were able to prescribe something that she responds ok to. At least for a short time. Drugs never last long once tolerance builds up. 

And I’m scared that the usage of drugs has just compounded problems. She has more lucid moments than they want to believe. They think we don’t know what we’re talking about. But we know her.

But, that’s all they can offer.

We’re looking into discontinuing them and trying to go back to her previous treatment. We haven’t even been allowed to speak to her doctor about finding the appropriate treatment. What if they’re wrong? It could be dementia…or drugs…or a third factor…or the treatment she needs that they refuse to give her…or maybe a combo platter…

Nursing Home Neglect and Abuse

And aside from that, her handicap just makes me cry. I saw her emaciated body today when the aid was cleaning her. This was the first time I saw her whole body and she looks like a starving Ethiopian, minus the bloated belly. She’s so bony. And she has no muscle tone in her legs or arms. She’s not starving though. It’s just the result of being left in a bed for too long. That’s what happens when the elderly don’t receive the proper care they need.

We were speaking to my grandma’s neighbor yesterday and found out that his wife’s mother was abused at the exact same nursing home my grandma was at. So, it’s not just us who had a bad experience with them.

I wish there was something that could be done before they harm more people.

Getting Better in Hospice

I’ve been told that people can improve in Hospice. I got confused one night because she actually stood for 3 seconds. And I got scared and wondered if we weren’t listening to God.

Can she get better?

Should we be trying to exercise her?

I figured there was no hope since she was in a Rehabilitation center for weeks where they weren’t able to exercise her. And that’s where she was when Hospice accepted her. 

So, I wasn’t expecting it. There was one night when she tried for a whole hour to stand. She thought she was just too afraid so she persisted. And for the whole hour she didn’t give up. Until she finally got so tired she was forced to quit trying. I had prayed over her earlier that day because I kept feeling confused about the situation. And I guess she heard my prayer and tried to stand up in faith. 

But no. After I saw her body today, I am convinced that she will never walk again. She’s too old and too tired. Nine years ago she had to go through some rehab physical therapy. With the physical therapist and her daughter on her daily, she recovered and regained her strength in about three months. It was almost impossible for her then, but she did it.

Now, there’s just no way she can do it.  

Waiting for God’s Timing

I don’t know how much longer God is going to make her wait before He let’s her rest in peace. He’s taken so much from her. Her ability to walk. Her mind. Her protection from drugs. Her enjoyment of truly living. Most of her family.

She still has life in her. I’ve always said that she’s got a lot of Qi…more than people in their 30’s. And she’s still got that Qi, because I don’t think it’s actually her time to go. But everything has been taken from her. All that’s left at this point is the breath of life. 

And she’s ready to go rest with Jesus and her husband. It breaks my heart every time she cries out to God, asking why he won’t just take her. If you’re reading this, I ask that you keep my grandmother in your prayers. Whatever God’s will is for her. I don’t even know if God wants her in a facility, but just in case, here’s her GoFundMe.

The Point of my Current Blog Focus

Living in a Surreality

Dorothea Tanning, Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, 1943 – I chose this surreal painting because it’s about confrontation.

Since the Winter Storm on Feb. 15, my life has been completely taken over by crisis after crisis. We lost power and running water for over a month. I didn’t complain. I was just happy that we had somewhere safe and close to go.

Then Feb. 18, my grandma had to evacuate when she lost her power. When our power finally came on, we saw that we had extensive pipe damage. And we couldn’t even get an appointment for 3 weeks.

Same thing at my grandma’s. The nursing home was determined to get rid of her, even though her insurance covered 90 days, which she did not get. We tried to appeal it since she still didn’t have water and we had to wait for the plumbers to be available.

We lost the appeal

The day she was going to be returned to us, the social worker at the rehab center yelled at us for not getting the plumbing done. She ended up calling the company and that morning we got it fixed.

Now, my life has completely stopped to take care of my grandma. When she came home she was so bad off that I thought she’d be dead in a week. We said our goodbyes and we helped her come to terms with what was happening. By the time our 5 day respite care arrived, we figured she’d die in their care. Especially, since they were very insistent on using black box labeled drugs.

But she’s still not dead. It’s just dragging on. And we can’t help but give life. We have life giving energy. So, she’s just trapped in a mind and a body that don’t work. And I can’t keep putting my life on hold. But I’m exhausted and I can’t find the concentration to work on art or anything productive like that.

Caregiving

I’m not actually a caregiver. I’m her granddaughter. But I have been forced into a situation where I am an untrained and unpaid Hospice worker. And it’s important for caregivers to take care of themselves. At first, I didn’t. I neglected myself, especially since she required so much care at first. Things have settled down a bit and she’s aware that we need to live our lives too. And she tries to let us.

That’s why I’m focusing on the GoFundMe Fundraiser. And I thought that maybe I could use my blog to help with that and possibly provide something productive. So, that’s what I’m gonna try to do.

Trusting God Even During a Nightmare

Ok, as I sit here writing this I’m thinking that I’m just a big ‘ole baby. I want to come up with some well written and moving prose about how my situation is an unbearable nightmare and I can’t believe that God would ever treat my family this way. 

But how selfish can I be? I’m not homeless. I’m not hungry. I do live without some things that I need but for the most part I live in abundance. 

I’m so sorry that I panicked and just jumped online to beg for help. I’ve seen so many people raise money for a never ending amount of needs around the world, so I thought that’s how God wanted to provide for us. And I’m not one to ask for help. I hate asking for help. But I saw my grandma suffering and I just lost my mind and resorted to exploitation.  

I’ve been so proud of my grandma through all of this though. I’m usually so hard on her looking like some mean bully expecting her to do things for herself instead of coddling her. But this is why. At least she was still walking and she could use the bathroom on her own. She could prepare her own food and do the things she wanted to do. But thanks to the harm done while in the care of the medical community, she is now trapped. 

But again, I’m proud of my grandma. Through this whole experience she has continued to have faith in God. She keeps saying that we need to trust God…that God is in charge…that he’s our boss. And she’s right. Even when I complain and tell my boyfriend that God hates us, I know that’s not true. I know God loves us and He’s taking care of us even during such a dark time. 

I think it’s even more important to trust God during the hard times.

When I’m not bad mouthing Him, I’m saying the same things. I trust God and I’ll just accept His will no matter how bad it is. He’s the same God who allows free American’s to be executed in the streets for petty crimes (or no crime at all) by our police. He’s the same God who allows people to get sick from diseases and covid everyday. The same God who allows people to be so desperate to escape their situation that they will cross the border in dangerous ways to find any kind of refuge they can. 

That’s what life is like on our planet ever since Adam and Eve disobeyed God and we’ve had to suffer and toil. 

This whole situation is especially hard to deal with since I live in the moment. And these moments I’m living right now are some of the worst moments of my life. But I feel so happy and blessed to be able to show my grandma love during this time. She knows she has family she can trust who love her. And love never fails. It always perseveres.

If anyone reading this is also going through a nightmare, I hope that my experience can provide some kind of encouragement to help you get through it a little easier.